December 9, 2022

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HOW CAN I FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF?

6 min read

I want to feel better about myself but what are the first steps?  I have to stop eating horribly at night, especially if I’m not going to work it off.  I know you can’t outwork a bad diet, but if I don’t come up with a plan to get this under control, the fat & weight will pile on.

It’s about 530am, March 9th of 2021.  According to my calendar I have a decent day in the amount of clients I have scheduled.  As I’m going over today’s three clients scheduled, I smile thinking about what day it is.  Every year, on this date, I text my cousins in our group chat an iconic rap lyric to remember this day.

It’s my sophomore year in high school, March of 1998.  I couldn’t be more happier.  We just moved back into the city to a 3 bedroom house with a full basement.  We have so much space compared to where we where.  That’s just one of the many perks, but the one I’m most joyous about is going back to my school.

I never spent three entire school years at one school.  Ever since the second grade, I would always switch schools every two years.  My mother was always looking for better places to live for her and her boys.  This is the best conclusion I could come up with the justify these moves.  To be frankly honest, it never bothered me until my freshman year in high school.

Freshman year I began at Peoria High School (aka CENTRAL), but halfway through we moved to  newly developing apartments in the outskirts of the city.  This move isn’t anything new until I get to Dunlap High School where I have a culture shock.  There are only 9 people who look like me.  I am not comfortable in this environment at all.

One day I’m in class drifting off while the teacher is talking so I began to doodle on the back of my notebook.  This notebook is where we are to take notes on the current lecture, but I could care less.  I miss my friends at Central.  I hate it here.  At the end of class we are required to turn our notebooks in so the teacher can grade our notes.

The next day I am called into the principles office for what I will forever remember as my wake up call to where I am.  The principle asked if I was gang affiliated because of the drawings on the notebook.  Apparently my teacher turned this in to him.

Being the only black kid in the class at the time I felt targeted.  The drawings were multiple 5 point stars.  No gang signs, letters or symbols, just stars.  There are 5 point stars in the American flag but I’m getting questioned for possible gang affiliation.

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After rejecting this claim, I knew it was time to go.  Later that day I told my mother of what happened.  I let her know if we don’t move then I’m dropping out of high school.  I hate it here.  I’m highly frustrated.  I feel there’s no way out of this hell hole.    I can’t change this situation so I turn to food and music to put my mind at ease.

Music was my escape.  I used it to keep connected on what was going on with my friends I left at Central.  The battle is the essence of hip hop culture.  Right as we moved back into the city, Canibus was in a battle with LL Cool J.

The lyric that I share yearly with my cousins is from this battle.  Specifically from Canibus, “..the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th!”  That line hit so hard.  Just one year prior, March 9th of 1997, Christopher Wallace, aka The Notorious B.I.G. was murdered.  Some believe he is/ was the greatest rapper of all time.

After sending my cousins that text, I look into my calendar to see my first client is at 8am.  It’s about 530am and if I can get my life together, I can get a workout and shower in before my first client.  I’ve been up since 5am and I’m feeling sluggish.  My stomach is protruding out as I look at myself in the living rooms mirror.  I’m thinking, “You gotta do better” as I’m looking at myself in disappointment.

I make my way to the freezer to pull the gallon of water from the night before.  This is the routine I have every morning before I start the coffee.  In order to get my one gallon of water in for the day, I like it cold!  So this has to thaw out before I can take my first sip but as the day progresses there will be more cold water to drink.

I need water now to begin flushing my system from the night before.  This is starting to become a pattern.  I’m so full from the night before from eating late.  When I do eat late it isn’t the best of choices I’ll admit.  I try not to eat during the day to prevent sluggish performance.  I prefer not to feel like that while training clients.  When my day is finished, I feel I can relax, and enjoy my food.

It’s too much food which is the issue.  Too much food in my dictionary is defined in calories and volume.   As I pull this frozen plastic water jug from the freezer I realize, this isn’t the healthiest way for me to live.  I have to stop eating horribly at night, especially if I’m not going to work it off.  I know you can’t outwork a bad diet, but if I don’t come up with a plan to get this under control, the fat & weight will pile on.

In my line of work, how you look is an important.  I see the difference in sales when I’m not confident in how I look.  I haven’t been confident in how I looked since 2017 and I have no one to blame but me.  This eating horribly at night is the main culprit. I’ve gotten too lazy.  Too much access to excess with the personality I have doesn’t mix well so here we are.  How am I going to change?  Where do I start?

I’m sitting at the dining room table sipping coffee reflecting on how to get my life together.  It’s still dark outside, the blinds in the windows are closed, and the bluish grey walls are magnifying the depressing mood.

This coffee hasn’t kicked in yet, but if I turn some light on it could help.  I turn the lights on in attempts to snap out the morning funk.  Lights on, coffee in one hand, my phone in the other,  scrolling.  I open the safari app to google, “HOW MANY CALORIES DO I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT?

This article from Healthline.com populates and after scrolling through it, I bookmark it.  It’s gives me suggestions on how to determine my daily caloric intake, the definition of a calorie, and a calorie counter calculator.  I entered my gender, age, height, current weight, and current physical activity level.  When I submit the info it gives me an estimated daily caloric intake.  This give me hope as it’s the first steps to feeling better.  I have the information needed to formulate a pan to get my life together.

You can’t outwork a bad diet but if you have the information to make better choices, then make better choices.  This information can give you a fighting chance when you don’t know where to start.  You can start to create better habits that will help you overcome those times when you want to feel better about yourself.

 

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