#SundayConfessions 9-3-17 | LIVING WITH REGRET
You all know I am a huge fan of the tv show The Flash. This past season he went back in time to prevent his mom from being murdered. He did what we all wish we could do. Go back in time to right a wrong. By doing that he created an alternate timeline for the present which caused more damage than good.
I don’t want to insult your intelligence, but dealing with parallel universes and alternate time lines can be confusing. I would really suggest you watch the show to get a full grasp of what I’m taking about.
Your actions in the moment of emotion can cause adverse effects down the road. One wrong choice can potentially destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for. You don’t realize it in that moment because you’re in that moment. Hindsight is 20/20. If I would have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have done that. We all wish we could have that moment back now that we have clarity. Those moments clarity makes us human. It helps us grow. It may be at a cost but everything is a lesson in life.
Let’s say we could go back and change the situation like The Flash did. How would that effect the present? Would that situation still happen but only further down the road? Then you have to go back in time to fix that situation again? Just think about that. Whatever was suppose to happen would eventually happen so when it did it was suppose to be.
Flashing back you convince yourself you could have handled things different. If I would have did this instead of that then this would be that now. That’s an intricate mental web that you can get lost in for hours on end if you’re not careful. Regret will set in then that pressure will be heavy on your heart. Not good for mental sanity at all.
I look back on my pictures after I lost weight and I was in the best shape of my life. That was my ideal size where I wanted to be. I had that number of 215lbs in my head for months once I saw it was obtainable. I put all that work in then when I reached my goal I was elated. I got what I wanted. I chased and chased after it for so long. I was happy in my own right.
I got cocky and started acting like the weight won’t come back on and if it does I know what to do to keep it off. Horrible way of thinking. So I kept doing silly stuff. Not paying attention to what I worked so hard to obtain. One day I looked up and what I worked so hard for was gone. Just like that. I looked in the mirror one day and wasn’t happy with what I saw. I saw more flab/fat than I had in a loooong time. Clothes didn’t feel as loose as they once did. Little ailments I had prior to the weight loss were coming back. The body I worked hard for left me. 😢
I didn’t take heed to the warnings as I should have. They came over and over prior to the fall. Once again the thought process of, ” I have nothing to worry about” was my downfall. I was so wrong. I had no one to blame but myself. People will tell you in a heartbeat, “Oh you look fine”, and you get gassed up believing that. Until one day the celebrations jeans I bought when I lost weight, can’t get up past my thighs because I’ve gained the weight back. Anger may set in like They lied to me! No one controls my intake but me.
Now depressive denial has set in. Denying the fact of this shirt is too tight but I can chalk it up to muscle, which deep inside I knew that was far from the case. With that being said I ate more. It’s like I was in the sunken place for a while.
I had days where I felt like I let you down. You spared my feelings by not saying anything about the weight gain. Only a few people who didn’t know me may have said something and to be honest I got pissed off but it was what I needed. I knew things had gotten bad once I saw footage of myself after I came back from New York. I was looking at myself like what in the entire pits of hell did I do? I really messed up. How can I fix this?
My mind was all over the place. I eventually gathered myself after being down about it a few weeks. It hurts to know what I loved was gone, or was it. Time is the healer of all wounds or better yet it helps you cope. Life goes on. You want to hold on to things and if they leave you have to work hard, forgive yourself and give it time to come back to you.
I can say that I have been putting the work back in to getting myself back to where I was. I am never satisfied with my body. I am always looking to improve it. That’s just me. Sorry for letting you down. I was suppose to handle the situation differently. If I could I would have. How would I really know the value of what I had if this didn’t happen. Granted, some may know it without having to go through this process. I’m just hard headed.
I was told that people can change. I am working on it. If you work hard to get something you’ve always wanted, cherish it. Pay attention to the details that got you what you longed for. You’ll look in the mirror one day and won’t be happy with what you see if you don’t. It’s all on you to open your eyes and head the warning signs. You may not get a second chance to right your wrong. I just need another chance to get this right.
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